One day, someone will ask you where you go out, and you’ll just stare into space for a second or two and then say, “I don’t.” This might happen when you’re 23 or it might happen when you’re 63. If it happened already, this guide’s for you.

Below you’ll find two lists of options. The first has a bunch of relatively calm bars that are trendy but not too sceney, and the second has some places where people who don’t need this guide already know they’re supposed to go.

CALMER BARS WHERE NO ONE WILL SPILL A DRINK ON YOU

Three Dots and a Dash

Going to a tiki bar in River North might not sound like the best first move for someone who (like you) doesn’t go out anymore – after all, this is the sceniest neighborhood in Chicago. But even though this place serves cocktails in mugs shaped like pineapples and mermaids, it manages not to be obnoxious or completely full of tourists. This is helped at least a little bit by the fact that the entrance is hard to find (it’s hidden in an alley). All that being said, you can absolutely order a $385 smoking Treasure Chest here if you feel like it.